Monday, August 23, 2010

Sucking it up.

It seems like the more I cry, admit my jealousy or hurt feelings, the further away he pushes me. The harder he pulls away from my grip. He thinks were trying too hard to hold on to our relationship. What does that even mean? I care. That's why I try. Because I am not willing to lose what we had. Not entirely. We've already lost it though, I'm starting to realize. He loves me. I believe he does. But is it the same? No. Why would it be? "were not together" so it changes. He doesn't want a doll that doesn't speak up, that agrees with everything he says... but he doesn't want the opposite either. He doesn't like when I do tell him. :/ ugh. It hurts so bad. And it hurts most knowing that he won't make it clear I'm still his favorite, or tell them to try and be respectful because he does still love me and it's hurting me the sexual innuendos they all play with. He won't say play with me. Or post statuses about our conversations. He doesn't say he's thinking of me when hes taking a shower. Or that he's going to cuddle me at bedtime. Instead, he offers his betowns shower to others. Asking who wants to join, claiming he needs company. I guess mine isnt the best. Or enough. It's familiar. Instead of doing these, he would rather keep them around and let them talk their talk. Let them call him baby. And let them think he's thinking of them. He'd rather not have me on facebook but keep them. So how am I his favorite? The most important? The girl he loves most? So I walk away. Because the more I beg, the angrier he gets. I can't move on. I can't flirt his way. I can't invite another in my bed. I can't. But Were just friends. And while before, just friends didn't matter...he was interested in being with me. People saw it. They knew. And they respected it. Now instead, they ask about her. And he wonders why I'm afraid. It hurts. I know he loves me. I know because he's still here. But he's not completely here anymore. And I lost him. I post a picture and he doesn't comment like he used to. He doesn't make love to me anymore. Or tell me he needs me or even wants me. But I can't say anything anymore. Because he's hating me. He's hating our conversations. And I'm pushing him right towards them. To her. Because she's funny and there's no expectations. And he can laugh and smile. Sigh. So I guess when he wanted me to talk to him instead of always write or update my status... He didn't mean completely. So for me, it's back to blogging. And I'll be alone. And he'll have them. And they will have him. And everyone is happy. Except me. But I'm gonna be better at pretending. And the difference between my frown and my "smile smile" won't be recognized.