Wednesday, September 22, 2010

bittersweet goodbyes♥

Its the first day of fall. Its time to pull out our soft scarves, kneehigh boots, and soft tunes like Norah Jones. There is something about fall...the sound of the rain, the the breeze that was once warm, now feels cool. The skies turn a deeper shade of blue..almost gray, and the leaves that were once green, turn to shades of golden, oranges, and reds. It leaves you with a sense of calm. Feeling peaceful, rested. I love the fall.

With the welcoming of fall, comes the time to say goodbye to summer. To pack away our bikinis, sunny photographs, and summer romances. I love summer. I love the sunshine, and the feeling of the warm breeze in my hair while I drive with my windows down, sunroof open. Its a good feeling. The kind that leaves you feeling confident, with a smile on your face as you sing along to concrete blonde.

This fall, it isnt just the summer Im letting go of. Im letting go of the hope and dreams I have held on to for over a year. The goals that were not mine to reach. Im letting go of you. More than a summer romance, you were my almost lover, my smile smile and honeycomb kids. You were my white picket fence. Or so I believed. I have spent this summer, praying that the inevitable wouldnt happen. That your feelings wouldnt change with the seasons. That I wouldnt be the last one holding on. Its time for me to say goodbye to you. To all the nights that we spent hours talking on the phone, laughing, dreaming together of the day when I would be yours, and you would be mine forever. Its a goodbye to the love that we tried to make real. The love that we spent months high off of. It was real. It was true. The feelings we felt and the moments we shared. But its time to move on, the way you asked me to, the way you have. Its time for me to say goodbye to our love, our future, and our past that keeps me hanging on.

With every goodbye is a new hello, as summer turns to fall, a love turns to friendship. Im looking to fall with open arms, and an open heart. I am saying goodbye to the tears, hurt, and ugly butterflies...and Im going to wait patiently for the fall to bring me back my smile, my happy butterflies, and love. Im welcoming back the me that sometime these past 4 months, I lost. The me that captured your heart over a year ago. Im coming back with the fall. And Im leaving summer, and you behind.

The end of summer is a time for bittersweet goodbyes♥
The start of fall is a time for change...optimistic hellos♥

Monday, August 23, 2010

Sucking it up.

It seems like the more I cry, admit my jealousy or hurt feelings, the further away he pushes me. The harder he pulls away from my grip. He thinks were trying too hard to hold on to our relationship. What does that even mean? I care. That's why I try. Because I am not willing to lose what we had. Not entirely. We've already lost it though, I'm starting to realize. He loves me. I believe he does. But is it the same? No. Why would it be? "were not together" so it changes. He doesn't want a doll that doesn't speak up, that agrees with everything he says... but he doesn't want the opposite either. He doesn't like when I do tell him. :/ ugh. It hurts so bad. And it hurts most knowing that he won't make it clear I'm still his favorite, or tell them to try and be respectful because he does still love me and it's hurting me the sexual innuendos they all play with. He won't say play with me. Or post statuses about our conversations. He doesn't say he's thinking of me when hes taking a shower. Or that he's going to cuddle me at bedtime. Instead, he offers his betowns shower to others. Asking who wants to join, claiming he needs company. I guess mine isnt the best. Or enough. It's familiar. Instead of doing these, he would rather keep them around and let them talk their talk. Let them call him baby. And let them think he's thinking of them. He'd rather not have me on facebook but keep them. So how am I his favorite? The most important? The girl he loves most? So I walk away. Because the more I beg, the angrier he gets. I can't move on. I can't flirt his way. I can't invite another in my bed. I can't. But Were just friends. And while before, just friends didn't matter...he was interested in being with me. People saw it. They knew. And they respected it. Now instead, they ask about her. And he wonders why I'm afraid. It hurts. I know he loves me. I know because he's still here. But he's not completely here anymore. And I lost him. I post a picture and he doesn't comment like he used to. He doesn't make love to me anymore. Or tell me he needs me or even wants me. But I can't say anything anymore. Because he's hating me. He's hating our conversations. And I'm pushing him right towards them. To her. Because she's funny and there's no expectations. And he can laugh and smile. Sigh. So I guess when he wanted me to talk to him instead of always write or update my status... He didn't mean completely. So for me, it's back to blogging. And I'll be alone. And he'll have them. And they will have him. And everyone is happy. Except me. But I'm gonna be better at pretending. And the difference between my frown and my "smile smile" won't be recognized.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Late night insecurities

Its 2:04AM. I'm awake,not surprisingly.

Over a year ago I wouldn't have been surprised by my actions. Cught off guard, or even ashamed of myself. I didn't care what they thought. His stupid friends, the other girls. My demons were out in the open. Unmasked. For everyone to see. I was shameless. I was jealous. I was clingy. I was the controlling girlfriend whose only language was "nag". I was insecure. At some point in that relationship, I somehow learned to control those emotions. I eventually used the same insecurities he installed in me against him, using them to push him away. Knowing I deserved better, but also with the understanding that I'd never be strong enough to walk away myself. He was simple, to rid myself of, after numerous failed attempts. My lack of confidence, not so much. It lingered.

Then you came along. Still in control, I found it easy to mask the fears of abandonment, rejection, and not being good enough from you. How could I let you know I was damaged? That my heart had been so dismantled prior to your repairs or that the butterflies I felt with you, were so unfamiliar to me. What if you knew that my own smile was not recognizable to me in the months before you came into my life. Would you want a damaged heart? No. I would hide my demons from you. To you, I was still worth something. I was beautiful, not fat. Sincere, not a liar. Charming, not annoying. I was happy, a little crazy, and slightly up and down, but I was passionate. Not dramatic. Even the moments in which I would mispronounce something, turned into intimate and memorable moments in which I was adorable. Not stupid. I was everything to you I had always wanted to be to somebody, anybody. To this day, or night, whatever you call 2:47am, I am amazing in your eyes. Your love for me is still beyond my comprehension.

It's been over a year. My demons have stayed dormant. Unbeknownst to me, they have been growing stronger all the while. How could I have known, that while you were making me feel like the luckiest girl in the world, so special and beautiful, I was so insecure beneath it all. We aren't in a relationship at the moment, at least not the kind that provides us with the security of labels. Nothing is what you expect these days, I'm learning, as I realize each day I only miss you more and not less like people tell me. From the "Oh, it hurts now, but in a month, you won't even feel it." to "you'll find someone new in no time"s. I should know your the only one I can rely on for the truth. And the truth is, it doesn't get easier being just your friend. It isn't a piece of cake to turn away from the comments of flirty remarks. These girls are like ants and your like sugar. They all want you, and now, as just a friend, I can do nothing more than sit back, keep quiet and pray one of them isn't more charming than me. These days, that's not setting the bar high. Recently my jealousy has surfaced. Stronger than before, I bear no control of the emotion. It's lashed out a couple of times, crossing the friend zone lines and into the boundaries of psycho ex. Even at that, you find me cute, letting my unwarranted possessiveness stroke your ego. As the days go by, my insecurities and self doubt have continued to expose themselves in the form of heavy sighs and clingyness, leaving me no control over my thoughts, words or tears. Today, I hope, was the lowest I can go. As far as breakdowns at least. I cried. I revealed all my unconcealed insecurities. Baring to you the inner workings of my messed up mind. I am pretty sure your now aware just how damaged I may be. It just happened; all of my feelings I've tried to keep hidden from you for this long, escaped in the form of quiet sobs. You never miss a thing. Your so in tune with me that even as I tried to steady my voice, soften my breathing and tell you "no" I wasn't crying, you knew. I can't fool you. Were just that connected. I couldn't stop. The tears just kept running and by the time I said goodnight we had both cried. Not even 10 minutes has passed before...plop. Word vomit. Out come all my insecurities. Texted to you of course, in fear of rejection. As if it would hurt less that way if you decided I'm just a little too crazy. But you don't. You listen. And you respond with all the things you would find in a "how to be the perfect man" handbook. And yet again, I'm in awe of you. They don't go away that easily, and I'm no longer naiive enough to believe that they might. But you definately make me feel a little more normal than perhaps I really am.

In the last year we've loved and laughed, sang silly songs and talked of honeycomb kids. We've cried and yelled. We've said some hurtful things to one another. I've been stubborn and a pain in your ass at times. You've been selfish in such selfless ways and a complete asshole in a few moments. We have together dealt with stalkers, bad timing, relapse and judgement, among many other obstacles. You have been there for me in so many ways and I can only hope I have helped you in others. Ya, the last year has had its many ups, and the occasional down, but were still here, and somehow we have managed to stayed honest, true, and head over heels for one another. You have become my best friend, my lover, and the man of my dreams. While my insecurities may stick around to keep me up late for some time to come, and at times they may leave you feeling accused or aggravated, just know that with every "I love you" you say, brings much comfort in the fact that for that day, your heart is still mine♥