Late night insecurities

Its 2:04AM. I'm awake,not surprisingly.

Over a year ago I wouldn't have been surprised by my actions. Cught off guard, or even ashamed of myself. I didn't care what they thought. His stupid friends, the other girls. My demons were out in the open. Unmasked. For everyone to see. I was shameless. I was jealous. I was clingy. I was the controlling girlfriend whose only language was "nag". I was insecure. At some point in that relationship, I somehow learned to control those emotions. I eventually used the same insecurities he installed in me against him, using them to push him away. Knowing I deserved better, but also with the understanding that I'd never be strong enough to walk away myself. He was simple, to rid myself of, after numerous failed attempts. My lack of confidence, not so much. It lingered.

Then you came along. Still in control, I found it easy to mask the fears of abandonment, rejection, and not being good enough from you. How could I let you know I was damaged? That my heart had been so dismantled prior to your repairs or that the butterflies I felt with you, were so unfamiliar to me. What if you knew that my own smile was not recognizable to me in the months before you came into my life. Would you want a damaged heart? No. I would hide my demons from you. To you, I was still worth something. I was beautiful, not fat. Sincere, not a liar. Charming, not annoying. I was happy, a little crazy, and slightly up and down, but I was passionate. Not dramatic. Even the moments in which I would mispronounce something, turned into intimate and memorable moments in which I was adorable. Not stupid. I was everything to you I had always wanted to be to somebody, anybody. To this day, or night, whatever you call 2:47am, I am amazing in your eyes. Your love for me is still beyond my comprehension.

It's been over a year. My demons have stayed dormant. Unbeknownst to me, they have been growing stronger all the while. How could I have known, that while you were making me feel like the luckiest girl in the world, so special and beautiful, I was so insecure beneath it all. We aren't in a relationship at the moment, at least not the kind that provides us with the security of labels. Nothing is what you expect these days, I'm learning, as I realize each day I only miss you more and not less like people tell me. From the "Oh, it hurts now, but in a month, you won't even feel it." to "you'll find someone new in no time"s. I should know your the only one I can rely on for the truth. And the truth is, it doesn't get easier being just your friend. It isn't a piece of cake to turn away from the comments of flirty remarks. These girls are like ants and your like sugar. They all want you, and now, as just a friend, I can do nothing more than sit back, keep quiet and pray one of them isn't more charming than me. These days, that's not setting the bar high. Recently my jealousy has surfaced. Stronger than before, I bear no control of the emotion. It's lashed out a couple of times, crossing the friend zone lines and into the boundaries of psycho ex. Even at that, you find me cute, letting my unwarranted possessiveness stroke your ego. As the days go by, my insecurities and self doubt have continued to expose themselves in the form of heavy sighs and clingyness, leaving me no control over my thoughts, words or tears. Today, I hope, was the lowest I can go. As far as breakdowns at least. I cried. I revealed all my unconcealed insecurities. Baring to you the inner workings of my messed up mind. I am pretty sure your now aware just how damaged I may be. It just happened; all of my feelings I've tried to keep hidden from you for this long, escaped in the form of quiet sobs. You never miss a thing. Your so in tune with me that even as I tried to steady my voice, soften my breathing and tell you "no" I wasn't crying, you knew. I can't fool you. Were just that connected. I couldn't stop. The tears just kept running and by the time I said goodnight we had both cried. Not even 10 minutes has passed before...plop. Word vomit. Out come all my insecurities. Texted to you of course, in fear of rejection. As if it would hurt less that way if you decided I'm just a little too crazy. But you don't. You listen. And you respond with all the things you would find in a "how to be the perfect man" handbook. And yet again, I'm in awe of you. They don't go away that easily, and I'm no longer naiive enough to believe that they might. But you definately make me feel a little more normal than perhaps I really am.

In the last year we've loved and laughed, sang silly songs and talked of honeycomb kids. We've cried and yelled. We've said some hurtful things to one another. I've been stubborn and a pain in your ass at times. You've been selfish in such selfless ways and a complete asshole in a few moments. We have together dealt with stalkers, bad timing, relapse and judgement, among many other obstacles. You have been there for me in so many ways and I can only hope I have helped you in others. Ya, the last year has had its many ups, and the occasional down, but were still here, and somehow we have managed to stayed honest, true, and head over heels for one another. You have become my best friend, my lover, and the man of my dreams. While my insecurities may stick around to keep me up late for some time to come, and at times they may leave you feeling accused or aggravated, just know that with every "I love you" you say, brings much comfort in the fact that for that day, your heart is still mine♥

4:05am.

11:43pm: say goodnight. Promise to try and sleep. Hang up.
12:12am: im still awake.
12:34am: I close my eyes and see your face.
12:35am: Cramps.
1:11am: Elmer Fudd plays in my mind.
1:12am: I smile.
1:14am: I miss you.
1:23am: yep. Still miss you.
1:47am: cramps. Get some water take 3 more ibuprofen.
2:01am: you.
2:02 am: you. you.
2:20 am: remember the night you asked me to talk with you after you got home til it was time for bed cause you missed me? Who cares about minutes? I don't.
2:54 am: thank goodness I don't have to open.
3:09am: you should be up soon. You'll be mad if I'm still awake.
Somewhere between here and 4:12 I fell asleep.
4:12am: missed text. I love your kisses.
4:16am: no response. Your already out.
4:21am: I wonder if you run without a shirt on?
4:39:am: I'm tired. My cramps are gone
5:00am: I fall asleep.
8:30am: oh yeah. Saturday. No call. Back to bed.
9:34am: good morning. Welcome back cramps.

Letting go♥

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more
Remember: The time to love is short

- author unknown

walls.

Falling in love has never been a problem for me. I fall in love easily. Too easily. I see a floppy little puppy, Im in love. I see a beautiful car, Im in love. A boy sends me flowers to my work, a song to my page speaking to my heart. Im in love. No. Falling love is the easy part. Im a deamer. A hopeless romantic who tends to trip and fall down hard, baring my heart and soul for all the "I told you so's" to see. I hear, so often, of these walls that the broken have built. I suppose I cant find the right materials to build my own. There is no moat guarding my heart. I dont have a lock around it, with the key hidden deep within my soul.

This is not to say that I havent tried to keep my heart on a leash. That I havent gone in search of the bricks, hoping to pile them high around the source of my self inflicted wounds. In fact, I just may be slightly a little more than damaged. A little afraid of abandonment. Terrified of rejection. Fear of being alone and never feeling again, the love I have in the past. Just because the walls arent there, doesnt mean that I havent cried myself to sleep, telling myself I wouldnt let it happen again. I have tried not to care. Ive tried to be the "just not ready for a relationship" girl. I have tried to look at a boy as "just a temporary pain killer". A distraction. Ive broken more promises to myself, than any other has. Promises of not becoming attatched. Not loving him more. Not caring more than a broken heart should. These promises are better left unsaid.

I wonder how long it takes a heart to truly heal. On its own. No "painkillers" or distractions. No voiding the loneliness with another boy. This is about the time I start looking for a counselor. Because I start to realize the issues i though I was over, are still there. Theyve been there all along...waiting for me to break my own heart. Crouching beneath all the happy butterflies and smile smiles, like a predator waiting for the right time. And then they strike. Im left alone. With the pain and the thoughts that accompany it. Ive been good this time. Maybe because of hope. Maybe because I still am so in love. Because Im not ready to lose him completely. Truth be told, I cant even hold a conversation with any other guys. I have no interest. I have nothing to say to them. Ive tried. I get a message now and then, and have nothing more than 2 words to say. I blame them. They arent interesting. They are annoying. They just cant get me going. Its not them. Its me. Its him. Its like trying to replace a stadium light with a flashlight. And no, not one of those super fancy ones cops have. Ive had the best. How do you find something to compare?


Some days I am ok. I tell myself I dont care. I tell myself it doesnt hurt, that I always knew it wasnt going to happen and I can almost convince my heart its true. Others, like today, I cant stop crying. I have no appetite. I dont want to do anything. Even if the tears turn off, I am only one song away from a flood. One uncontrolled memory and I can quite literally feel my heart break a little more. I will try to be silent. Try to talk as little as possible... Ill stay away from anyone who has feelings. If I dont, Ill lash out. Ill take out my sadness on the innocent. So I stay home. I dont go to the movies with my family. I stay home, listening to songs that make me lose my breath. Doing all I know I can to release the hurt, to vent my feelings. Hoping that my writing will bring me some comfort. Right now I hurt. Right now I dont want to move. I dont want to eat. I dont want to talk. I dont want to think about missing him. I dont want to worry about moving. I dont want to think about how in a month or so I wont be in the same time zone anymore, how all chance and hope and meant to be will be left behind. Right now, I want to cry until I cant cry anymore. I want to listen to these songs and take comfort in the fact that I am not alone in how I feel. In ahwile, Ill try to find a way to wash away the mascara stains from my pillow, and Ill make my bed. Ill do my laundry and clean my room. Ill try to eat. But for now, I cant pretend Im ok. I wont say I am not hurting. I wont lie about how Im feeling. I wont wipe away the tears or try and hide them. Im going to try and find those building materials for walls. Not to keep anyone else out, but to keep my own heart under control and out of trouble for the future.

Fears.

"A beautiful mess we are, with honest cries from breaking hearts" ♥

I'm tired. I want to sleep. Yet here I am, an hour after I crawled into bed, awake. My mind argues with my body, using ugly butterflies and uncontrollable thoughts as weapons. It was a great morning, a decent day, and an okay evening. Until now. I am anxious. And it's not the "ohhhh I can't wait to go on vacation!" or "I'm getting a new puppy!" kind. Nope. These are the kind that make me hold my breath, want to cry, and pray the ugly butterflies stop in my tummy land somewhere and stop fluttering around. It's the kind that will have me up for a few more hours.

I wasn't completely sure where the anxious feelings had come from. It's a cheap shot really. Sneaking up on you, and striking when you really would rather it hadn't. I've been sitting here trying to figure out what is bothering me. Trying to rationalize my thoughts. Is it the flirting? Is it the feeling of not being in control of myself? Does it come from a fear of being judged. From being seen as the past, the one who didn't do right? Is it the loss of having claim or is it jealousy? Sigh. To be honest, I am not positive, but I think it's a little of everything. Why do things that never did before, seem to get to me now? Why, for the first time, am I feeling jealousy of this degree? Why wasn't it there before? I realized a long time ago about myself, that I am very self destructive emotionally. Looking at things and feeling low when I see what I had not wanted to see, yet had gone looking for in the first place. Curiosity killed the cat, right? I've been that way for so long that I don't know if it's a part of who I am, or a habit I picked up. Is it something I can even change? I try. I tried to delete the weapon responsible for my self inflicted wounds. Facebook. It feeds my jealousy. It conceals my fairytale with reality. Some days I don't want to. I think it's pointless to delete it. I think about how at least now, I don't have to wonder. I can just see. But other days, I wonder if maybe my anxiety would disappear. I consider how perhaps, if I was blind to the comments, the conversations and the feeling of being overlooked, my ugly butterflies will die away. I also wrestle with the idea of not seeing his face anymore. Of being gone and them moving in closer. I don't like him being sad. I don't like to feel him hurting. I don't like being selfish. So here maybe a part of the anxiety. The part that no matter what, hasn't gone away. I don't really know.

The other part, I concluded must be from the decision to move. I know I'm homesick. I know I miss my friends and parents. I know that I am stressed here and always seem to be grumpy and angry at one thing or another. And yet, despite how I see certain things falling into place, I can not bring myself to finalize my decision. I suppose it's because I believe still. I hope. I have faith. I cant help it. That IS a part of who I am. Not a habit I stumbled upon. Leaving first is a move im afraid tomake. 1.) not only will I be saying goodbye to new Mexico, but Ill also be saying goodbye to the fantasy I have played with in my mind for months. The house. The German Shepard puppy. Making dinner, doing our laundry. Our room with our bed. Him coming home to me. The "white picket fence" if you will. As the tears start running, I believe I've found the cause of my ugly butterflies. He won't be taking me with him anymore. 2.) the fear of never holding him in my arms. There won't only be his selflessness. His protecting me from himself. The stubborness. There will be distance. And physical miles. There will be a new schedule. I'm afraid of the unfamiliar when I have to face it alone. It's a fork in my life and I am so afraid of taking the path that leads me away from him. I was so sure that I was on my way to having the life we had planned for. And even now, I cant help but wonder if I should hve waited selfishly for him to be transferred. He'd have to take me then. He had promised afterall. Sigh. I know I did the best thing for him though in the long run.

3 hours after crawling into bed. I've found the source of tonights ugly butterflies. I've processed my reasoning, as insane as it is, for not being able to finalize my move home. While my tears keep flowing, the ugly butterflies are settling down and I'm finding each new breath easier than the last. My heart is slowing to a normal pace and my thoughts aren't in such disarray. My mind is ready to shut down. For tonight.