Monday, June 28, 2010

Intimate distractions.

"get used to it". The words exchanged last night resound in my head. Maybe my fears have been there all along. Maybe i shouldn't feel surprised or caught off guard. But I was. I had supressed my fears of rejection with you. I had always felt wanted by you. I attempted to explain the reasons the words cut so deep. Sex isn't the basis of our relationship. Just cause it's no doesn't mean he doesn't love me. Except sometimes, it does.

I spent 2 and a half years with a guy who rarely touched me, kissed me and would hardly talk to me. A guy who only when he was out of options, would seek. About, a year and a half ago, I sat in the room shared with my ex, on our bed after being turned down. When I asked why, I listened for what felt like hours as he brought all my flaws to the table, called me names, and explained to me how he was no longer attracted to me. That's all there was to it. I sat in the hallway of my grandmas house the last night we were together, listening to him have a conversation with her telling her all the reasons he wasn't attracted to me. It was the final straw. They all knew he was ab asshole, yet I made thousands of excuses, said plenty of "everythings ok" and paraded around hiding the hurt with a smile. I was too proud to let them know I was that pathetic girl who stayed in an abusive relationship. That I sat at home while he was out with other girls. Knowing I wasn't good enough for more than a backup plan. I had gotten used to the lack of intimacy with him for years already, but always tried to get his attention. Some days, it worked.

For me, no matter what's going on, no matter if he loved me the next morning, or the day before, despite the aching from all his wrong doings in my heart, he loved me in the moment. And for a little while everything was ok. I didn't have to think about anything that wasn't right. I could forget about the other girls, the lies and the drugs. He was with me for the night and for the time it took, I didn't hurt. I didn't feel jealousy or anger. I didn't cry. I was in control.

Now, your not mine anymore. And it hurts. And I feel jealousy when I see the girls flirt with you, when I can't help but think that all they want is to be the next one who has your heart. I can't stop them. I can't stop the girl whose more charming, sweet, a lot more funny, patient or beautiful than me from coming along. I can't stop you from noticing. I can't make you call me every night. I can't be mad or hurt when you don't. I can't cry because I miss you. I broke up with you. I'm not allowed to hurt from these things. I can't say be good. I can't tell you please take me to dinner. I'm getting used to those things. I'm trying to. yes, I dumped you. I ended things. It wasn't that I didn't love you still it wasn't because I don't want the house and honeycomb kids we dreamed about. I still hurt everyday. I miss you. I want to keep the connection as best I can because maybe you'll keep loving me if I do. Maybe if I'm there in the back of yor mind still, I can still hold a part of your hear and maybe our future isn't really gone. It's selfish. I know this. :( for me, we are so connected when your making love to me. Your mine in that moment and I'm making you happy. I'm not hurting. It's us. It's the same us I don't wanna lose. The us that everyday stresses don't come between. The us I hold on to. I'm not jealous or worried because your with me. I'm not going to bed thinking maybe your out and that's why you aren't calling. I'm not thinking about the girl that might catch your eye at the bar. Or the fact that you might be falling out of live with me. I'm thinking about how you love me and how much I love you. About how connected we are. I'm not afraid. I'm not angry at myself. I don't have ugly butterflies. And after, I know your holding me and I know that you love me. I can sleep.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

A heart on the loose.

11pm. And this night I can see is not going the way I hoped or expected. Saying goodbye doesn't mean losing faith, or giving up hope. Goodbye. I said it, yet somehow hope was left behind. At one point hope was a friend. She always brought with her dreams of tomorrows, honeycomb smiles, and happy butterflies. These days, I'm slightly conflicted. Some days she's the same hope I knew and others, like tonight she accompanies anger, frustration, hurt, jealousy and ugly butterflies, leaving me dissatisfied with the company.

It's funny. I never was jealous much before, when he was mine. Even when jealousy would set in, I felt it unnecessary to bring it to his attention. I knew he was mine. And yes, there were a few occasions. They usually blew over. Now, I am jealous of so much. Maybe I see more now, because I was blinded by security before. Maybe, my jealosy is fueled by fear. A fear that nothing is holding him back anymore. That I'm going to watch some lucky girl charm her way into his life, or vice versa. A fear that he will move on with no troubles and 10 years from now, hope, along with her bitter friends, will still be coming around. So you ask what's wrong. As if I have any right to answer. Have any right to cry or yell or say "I'm jealous. I'm afraid". As if any of it would make a difference. So instead I am here. Blogging. Crying.

I'm trying to stay on track. When I blog with this much on mind, I tend to ramble off and my pen or "thumbs" in this case will take over. I am trying to keep this as a blog, not a letter. Even though I know who reads this. The only person who truly follows this is the person my words can hurt the most. The person I do not want to walk away. At the same time, I am trying to train myself to just be open. Be myself. Say what I need to and learn to not be afraid of hurting anyones feelings. Trying to avoid a breakdown.

A promise to try. To try and get better. A promise I let heart grab run wild with. A promise that brought back the hope whose bags were packed. And now I lay in bed alone, while he goes out to drink for the 3rd time this week. Im learning that I need to put my heart on a leash. I'm angry. I Suppose it truly is my own fault. We really do cause our own heartaches. Thinking about it now, i realize I expected a different outcome. Maybe I was pushing. Maybe I hoped my goodbye would bring him urgency, instead its freedom. The freedom to do what he wants. To be the "real" him that he kept hidden from me in fear of upsetting me. And me? I hurt with unethical right. I have no rights here. But how can I turn my eyes and look the other way when I truly care about him. My hopes, goals and dreams? They are his too. Or at leadt I believed they were. Now, I'm questioning if I'm being selfinsh. If somehow, without meaning to, I have forced him into another promise he doesn't want.

Saying goodbye doesn't mean that all you wanted and prayed go along. You don't realize what exactly your saying goodbye to until after it's done. I'm not saying I made the wrong choice. I know it's the right one. I just didn't realize that The rest of the feelings would stay behind. That I would be hurt when I didn't get a call at night like I used to. That I would be angry for feeling entitled and knowing that I'm not. That I would feel the need to say "be good" addressing the flirty remarks from and to girls. to bitter at the knowledge that it isn't my place anymore and they all know that. I was unaware of the fear that would imbed itself into my life at the chance of losing him forever.

Patience was easy to say goodbye to. And honestly, it didn't hurt the way I expected. But hope, hope is different. It's harder. It's a love hate relationship. I want so badly to keep the idea of our future together. But I do not want the hurt when I realize that he isn't serious. Or the fear that while I'm not his, someone else could be.

I'm at a loss for how to put this better. Unsure if I should publish it even, at the idea of him saying goodbye to me altogether. Sigh. I am confused. I don't even fucking know what I want at all. Blogging didn't even help tonight.

I want to tell hope to go away. And take all the other feelings with her.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

He said, she said "blame".

It's been a few days. Strange, as I have had a lot on my mind. Somewhere between my choices this last week, and the decisions I've yet to make, I lost the ability to blog. I suppose I'm a little overwhelmed by everything going on inside my mind, and the aching in my heart. Everyone wants to know. Some are afraid to ask so they beat around the bush, while others push for information. And then some, cone to their own conclusions based on what he said, she said or what they "saw".

So often we allow someone else take responsibilty for our faults. Then there's the other half of that equation in which we unjustly hold ourselves accountable for matters in which we bear no control. I'm guilty of both in the 1st degree.

He blames himself. And part of me wants to let him. Before today, I hadn't really understood fully why things are the way they are and why it can't be different. I've been thinking. Sorting out all of these damn ideas and thoughts in my head. For awhile I felt it coming. I was quick to blame him for the distance that had suddenly started to grow between us. I was losing patience and he wasn't taking me, or the situation seriously. I kept thinking that all it would take to settle my ugly butterflies and irritability was just one night. One dinner. One movie. One kiss. One glance. I never got one night. I had been growing irritable and frustrated with his nonchalant attitude to my subtle hints and quiet pleas. I was happy to be his because despite this, he treated me better than I felt I deserved but impatience was weighing in. I would feel angry, hurt, alone and grumpy when I thought about how I couldn't be in his arms, at his own will. I blamed him for my growing lack of tolerance at the situation. I knew it was wrong. And I'd feel ashamed of myself for the bitterness I had. I didn't know how I could one minute have so much patience and be telling myself he was worth waiting a million years for, and the next be so angry for not having him now. So I blamed him. I blamed the way he would make me promises I'd cornered him into. I blamed the fact that he relapsed. I blamed him for not having anywhere to go when I needed to get away. Now I realize that I lost patience because I had been on a timeline. I had at the beginning of our relationship, done my research and realized these things only take a year. And sometimes less. I counted down the days and I didn't push or pry. Not until, when it was close to being a year and he shared with me the truth I hadn't planned on. I quickly became aware that we were on the time of an hourglass. Not a timer. And the hourglass, while so close to being empty, had just been flipped. What I've come to understand is that really, I created my own impatience. I set myself up for heartbreak in the beginning when I stopped hearing what he was trying to tell me and selfishly I only heard what I wanted to. Somewere along the lines of late night promises, I love you mostests and plans of tomorrows I conceived some unrealistic fantasies.

And then there is the other half of my internal conflict. While I chose to blame him for my own self inflicted wounds, I couldn't help but hold myself accountable for his confessed regress. Even now, while I know it isn't right, I still play the what if game. I asked myself a lot of questions. Most of them pertaining to what I could have done and what I didn't do. Why didn't I tell him how proud of him I was more often? What if I had been more involved in his recovery? Should I have asked more questions? Why am I not enough to make him better? Maybe I was too laid back about things. Maybeif he had been with me he wouldn't have been out giving in to temptation. Maybe I caused too much stress. Was I too pushy? What if I hadn't been so grumpy? How could I be better?
All of these questions and thoughts flew amongst others through my mind. I don't know whether it's all females, or if I stand alone, but i feel the need to be a rescuer. I played the role of savior to my ex, or at least I tried. And I told myself, at the beginning of this relationship, that I knew where he was and I knew I couldn't do that. Knowing something is wrong doesn't necessarily mean were not going to do it though. Maybe Hollywood is to blame for putting the ideas of love being enough to concquer all in our head. Maybe Disney. Maybe it's Nicholas Sparks. Maybe if it weren't for them, I'd never have given myself the expectation of my love being enough to "save" or "fix" him.

Its apparent that no reason is not reason enough for anyone these days. So for everyone asking what happened, and who or what was to blame, I'll leave you with this:

Maybe blame isn't small enough for one person to carry. Perhaps there's enough blame to give credit to multiple sponsors. Maybe it's a little of everything i've said.

Then again, perhaps it's all perspective.

Friday, June 11, 2010

He loves me♥

Sometimes, you can find someone so perfect for you in every way. They may be your soulmate. Sometimes, you find them too soon and the timing is not right. You can try to make it the right time. You can play along and try to fight reality. But when it comes down to it, timing really is everything. It's taken me this long, but I figured it out. I have realized that there is more to a relationship then simply loving one another. We have to love ourselves first. I had to step back from my relationship, for the time being. I am fortunate enough to keep my best friend and faith in the possibility of a tomorrow. He truly is my future and the one I am meant to be with in the end. I don't have one regret from the last year, except, maybe I spent too many days grumpy. I spent the last two days in tears afraid of so many things. What if he decides he can't be my friend? What if we grow apart and I'm just another girl on his facebook? What happens if he finds someone else. Can I be his friend then? I have made myself sick and hatched my own ugly butterflies. Then, like always, he brings me peace of mind without even knowing it. And I realize everything is going to be ok. Maybe not today and probably not tomorrow. But someday well be ok.

Thursday, June 10, 2010


I do not understand why people always feel the need to interfere in places they have no right. I could see if the words were solid truth, if there was any evidence if indiscretion. I do know the truth. I see everything firsthand. If only they heard how he talks with me, to me. Or saw all the things he does for me. If they really knew what I do, or how he makes me feel, then they would have nothing to say. Instead, they observe quietly and attack anonymously. They try to fill my up with doubt and don't realize that their words are just that to me. Words. They want to convince me that I don't know what goes on, but yet none can come to me as the friends they claim to be and express concern. They hide behind their anonymity. That, to me, is not sincerity. It's jealousy. I guess, it's harder to make oursleves, as people feel better about the things in our life. But it's so easy to bring others down. People need to grow up, and get involved in their own lives instead of trying to bring mine down.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Some sort of love letter.

I daydream. A lot. I have spent the last year day dreaming about the day we meet. The day I feel you hold my hand and the day we have our first real kiss. I think about the nights well have together. In my mind, I have seen so many days of our life together and it's everything I want. And you help. You tell me the things I want to hear and my imagination plays with your words. I love all of those dreams.

I've been quiet, reluctant to speak. Afraid of when I do, that my words will hurt you, anger you, or worse, make you think less of yourself. Worried, that they will push you away completely. But, I feel even in silence, it distancing me from you. Not because I want it to. I don't. Lately, I found that the daydreams, uncontrollable as they are, are not giving me the patience they once did. Instead, it overwhelms me with a fear that it is never going to come true. That that's the only memories of you, of us, that I'll ever have to keep.

If I could have one wish, I would wish that you believed in us the way I do. That you would realize that I am not asking you to change who you are. That I take you completely, every side of you, completely. I mean, there is one thing that has to change, not for me or us, but for you. And you know that. You've known that. I would wish you would believe not only in us, but in you. When we met, I was made aware of who you were. You told me who you were. You confessed to me and I accepted who you are. For you, now, to say that you can not be yourself with me, have not been yourself with me in other words is not fair. For you to talk about how there is another person I do not know at all, it angers me. If that's true, it would mean you decieved me this last year. Telling me who you are, what you want and what we would be. Before now, it was more than a maybe. It was a reality and it was a future that you trusted in.

A year later, I'm here. I'm still holding on to the life we are supposed to have. A life I've allowed myself to need. Your reasons, when it's come down to it, have changed. They've stayed the same, in a sense, but in another they aren't. And because of that, because the basis of your reasoning has changed, I feel it's not fair. I feel like I have had no say in it and now, after a year of believing that it was a cause we could overcome, it's something you suddenly say is completely different. And now, you could. But you don't know if you want to.

I don't like telling you how I feel. I know it hurts you to know I'm hurting. It hurts me to know you are. I would do anything to keep you from any pain. My intentions are not at all to make you feel or believe I'm not happy with you. I'm only venting and I wish I could have spent your birthday with you :( I love u.

Polar Bears♥

Did you know that polar bears, are really marine animals? Meaning, they spend more time at sea then they do on land. I dont know too much about the whole global warming thing. I dont always understand the things they are talking about. I do know, that I LOVE polar bears and that when they say that more than 2/3rds of polar bears will be gone by 2050, it makes me sad. How exactly are polar bears effected?

1.) Population is decreasing in polar bears:
Polar bears have to live on land when the warmer weather of spring and summer come around in some southern regions they inhabit, such as Hudson Bay in Canada. They have to hunt on land, and survive on land until the bodies of water they are near freeze again for winter. The ice, studies have shown, is now taking an average 3 weeks longer to form. That means that polar bears seal hunting is cut 3 weeks short as well thus resulting in the 15% weight loss that these bears have experienced. This has consequently effected reproduction and now the polar bear popul;ation in Hudson Bay alone, has declined by 20%.

2.) Sea Ice Decline:
The ice platforms are shrinking in size, and some are altogether melting away. Yes, polar bears are marine animals which means they swim. With the ice shrinking, the platforms are getting farther and farther apart making swims for the bears more difficult and more dangerous. Recently, polar bears have been found drowned in the Beaufort Sea as a result of the ice being to far away and rougher seas.

3.)Food Deficiency:
Polar bears are not the only animals being effected by global warming. Seals, arctic foxes, carabou (thats right! Reindeer!) as well. And what do polar bears eat? Thats right! Seals. :) and veggies :p haha. But really. Polar bears are going hungry more often and are now having to (eek!!!) eat their own species!! An observation that is new to many researchers.

SOOO.... I know that sometimes I feel like I am only one person, so really, what can I do that will make a difference at all? There really is so much. We are each one person, but when one person makes a difference, it encourages another person to make a difference as well. And soon enough, you have a chain reaction and an outcome that is better for everyone! :) So help do something! Even if a prayer is all you can offer!


Wanna do more?
1.)Click the link to the right of my blog and help the wildlife fund!

2.) Erase your face! NOT the polar bear race! (hehe) BUY Josie Marans facial cleasning wipes! They are an awesome product that DO work, a good price ($12 for a bpackage of 30!! WOW) and a portion of the money you spend will be used to help save polar bears! I USE THEM! I LOVE THEM and they have lots of goooood ingredients :D

3.) Adopt an animal at any wildlife fund!

4.) Conserve energy at home!! TUrn off lights when you arent using them or dont need them! Turn the water off while brushing teeth, or washing your hair and or body when in the shower! Take baths! Recycle what you can!! DONT use hairspray!! its gross anyways! lol. Little things that add up! :)

PS: If you want to see REAL polar bears LIVE! go to:


Tuesday, June 8, 2010


I posted this recently to my fb, but am posting it here since it's more of a blog. Lol.

So. I don't really know where to start. It's been awhile since I wrote. Andddd I can't find my journal and my myspace won't let me post one and my blogger profile isn't set up. So i'm left with facebook. So far I suppose I realized that no matter how much I love someone, you can't make them love you back. No matter how much time or effort you put into a friendship, some people will just walk away and there isn't always an explanation. I've realized that love, even if it's mutual isn't always enough. I've learned I trust too quickly, fall too easy and put way too much faith in people. Some people have said they admire that in me, that I always see the good in people. That I can so easily let my guard down and allow people in my life. It's not always such a good thing though.

I feel like, looking back at the things I've done, people I've met and choices I've made, I haven't always done them for the right reasons. I run. I run whenever there is an issue. And when I can't run, I find a distraction. Anything to keep from feeling alone. Guys, alcohol, texting, friends, sex, ibuprofen, work. I've used them all. I've done things that aren't things 10 years ago, I'd ever thought I would do. I'm one if those people who always thinks it would be better somewhere else and when I'm there and that little black cloud catches up, I'm looking for a new place to hide. Im tired if doing that. That's how things go wrong. I start feeling it getting closer sometimes and so I get angry. I get mean, cold, quiet. I look for ANY distraction. Even if it's not a "good" one. And more often then not, it isn't. I get bitchy and I don't want to admit what it really is because then it would just be too hard to run from it again, so instead i find something else that I can blame my anger on. That pushes people away. I see that now that maybe I've been blaming all the wrong people in my life. Maybe I haven't taken as much respplonsibilty as I should. Maybe I need to stop running and just deal with what really bothers me instead of hiding behind trivial matters. Maybe then I'll be able to hold on to the things that really matter to me.

I am so amazed and I have to share. So, as you can tell from last nights blog, I am very homesick lately. Obviously. Lol. I really do miss washington and my family and friends. I just was on vacation there like 2 months ago and I already miss it!! Well, I have been praying to God about what to do and what the right answer is as far as if i should go back or how I can afford to visit at least the soonest possible. Well today, after praying and crying last night, he has answered my prayers!!
Today, I found out that my dad got a check in the mail for $800 dollars to register my car (long story) but the cost is really only $400 because of how everything worked out when I got my car (which is a blessing in it's self!!) so now, I have an extra $400 dollars that I can afford to visit Washington!! God is good and this last year my faith in him has grown so much!! :D anyways, I had to share!! Lol. All things are truly possible through Him. Xoxo

Monday, June 7, 2010

Patience, selfishness and a mind that won't shut up.

I have to write. I feel like I've had writers block for so long now, that my one post today has made me suddenly aware of everything inside my head that I need to write about. I'm doing this from my phone, so please forgive any typos. Even now, I want to write and I feel like I have to...but my thoughts in my head just feel so scattered right now. I said goodnight about an hour ago, yet here I am begging and pleading that my mind shut up and let me sleep away everything it's screaming at me. Instead, it offers me a headache and frustration. I wonder If I'm the only one who argues internally with my own thoughts sometimes. Sigh. I am fighting frustration, guilt, impatience, annoyance, and more guilt on top of that, oh and then some indecision. It's a classic recipe for insomnia. I can't decide what it is I'm really feeling in some matters of my heart.
For one, I'm homesick. Or am I just tired of New Mexico? Am I just wanting to run like I have in the past, looking at things sideways and seeing more somewhere else? Or is it really that I miss Washington? I honestly don't know. I felt this way in Washington too. Alone. But here I am feeling that way now in New Mexico and thinking of how not alone I would be in Washington. But I don't see that really much has changed there either... Except my relationship with my parents has gotten better. Should I go? (indecision) My friend keeps begging me too and my parents throw hints. I miss them. I miss my church. I miss my cat. I miss the water. Somedays, I even miss the rain now. And now, my grandma wants to retire. And I mean now. I feel awful (guilt) for being so upset about it. I mean she deserves to retire of she wants to! It's not even at all my decision!! And I love her, but Lord knows well strangle each other if she is home all the time with me (frustration). Which isn't her problem. It's her house, I'm just living here rent free. But I can't afford to be on my own out here anymore. And don't want to get stuck in a situation like the one I'm still $5000 dollars in debt for. Ugh. So the way it sounds, why not leave right?!
I'm scared. I'm scared 1.) that I go and I feel the same there (stuck or alone) again. 2.) I've been waiting a year for my perfect forever to start and I am afraid that I lose that when I go. I'm afraid I go, and then he's ready for forever but I'm too far away. I've done the long distance thing and I know how it goes. I can't even stand going on vacation for 2 weeks in a different time zone much less living in one.
I generally like to believe I'm a pretty patient person. Lately, my patience is wearing thin. I am ready to be in his arms and to start what I have imagined. And it's nights like tonight that it's at it's thinnest, when I just neeeeed to get away and be with the thing or person who makes me happiest, but I can't. I then feel selfish and bad for being upset (guilt). And lately, I feel like I don't know of there is even a plan anymore for the future. If I'm holding on and afraid to let go even though, later on I will have to anyways.
I have a difficult time controlling my emotions. It's like a storm. Once I start to feel one bad feeling, they all start. Frustration, sad, angry, hurt. Blah. I start questioning things that I normally wouldn't and thinking things I know aren't true. Is that normal? I assume so. I dunno. I know it's all the anxiety just getting to me and I know that tomorrow, I'll wake up and I'll feel better again. Some people call it bipolar. Lol! I am feeling better already after venting. Phew!! And wait wait... A yawn. My mind is finally settling down and ready for bed...2 hours late. Lol


“Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.”

Its only taken me about 8 years, 4 counselors, 1 suicide attempt, and numerous slepless nights to figure it out, but I finally have. I spent so much of my life trying to find my way to happiness. But every time that I have finally believed I found it, I was only given disappointment when I realized it was gone again. Ive finally come to the conclusion that nobody ever really gets to happiness and has it the rest of their life. There is always another bill, more stress. None of it ever goes away for good. So many people spend too much time trying to find happiness in its entirety as if it is something that can be acquired..its not. We spend too much time thinking, all I need is the nice car, or the big house...or the wonderful husband and ill be happy finally. What we dont think about is, thank God I have feet to walk, a roof over my head, and friends or family that are there for me. We take for granted the things we do have. Ive done it. Everyone has. It wasnt until these last two years I have learned to just be happy with all that I have. I have learned to take a closer look in my life, in the friends and family I have, the choices ive been given, the path my life has taken and realize that I have been truly blessed in my life. Im happy. It doesnt mean I cant cry, or that I wont scream in frustration. It doesnt even mean I have to smile everyday or that I cant be grumpy! It just means that regardless of anyhting that is thrown my way, I can understand that I will be ok and that I am gonna be happy no matter what. :)