Monday, July 5, 2010


"A beautiful mess we are, with honest cries from breaking hearts" ♥

I'm tired. I want to sleep. Yet here I am, an hour after I crawled into bed, awake. My mind argues with my body, using ugly butterflies and uncontrollable thoughts as weapons. It was a great morning, a decent day, and an okay evening. Until now. I am anxious. And it's not the "ohhhh I can't wait to go on vacation!" or "I'm getting a new puppy!" kind. Nope. These are the kind that make me hold my breath, want to cry, and pray the ugly butterflies stop in my tummy land somewhere and stop fluttering around. It's the kind that will have me up for a few more hours.

I wasn't completely sure where the anxious feelings had come from. It's a cheap shot really. Sneaking up on you, and striking when you really would rather it hadn't. I've been sitting here trying to figure out what is bothering me. Trying to rationalize my thoughts. Is it the flirting? Is it the feeling of not being in control of myself? Does it come from a fear of being judged. From being seen as the past, the one who didn't do right? Is it the loss of having claim or is it jealousy? Sigh. To be honest, I am not positive, but I think it's a little of everything. Why do things that never did before, seem to get to me now? Why, for the first time, am I feeling jealousy of this degree? Why wasn't it there before? I realized a long time ago about myself, that I am very self destructive emotionally. Looking at things and feeling low when I see what I had not wanted to see, yet had gone looking for in the first place. Curiosity killed the cat, right? I've been that way for so long that I don't know if it's a part of who I am, or a habit I picked up. Is it something I can even change? I try. I tried to delete the weapon responsible for my self inflicted wounds. Facebook. It feeds my jealousy. It conceals my fairytale with reality. Some days I don't want to. I think it's pointless to delete it. I think about how at least now, I don't have to wonder. I can just see. But other days, I wonder if maybe my anxiety would disappear. I consider how perhaps, if I was blind to the comments, the conversations and the feeling of being overlooked, my ugly butterflies will die away. I also wrestle with the idea of not seeing his face anymore. Of being gone and them moving in closer. I don't like him being sad. I don't like to feel him hurting. I don't like being selfish. So here maybe a part of the anxiety. The part that no matter what, hasn't gone away. I don't really know.

The other part, I concluded must be from the decision to move. I know I'm homesick. I know I miss my friends and parents. I know that I am stressed here and always seem to be grumpy and angry at one thing or another. And yet, despite how I see certain things falling into place, I can not bring myself to finalize my decision. I suppose it's because I believe still. I hope. I have faith. I cant help it. That IS a part of who I am. Not a habit I stumbled upon. Leaving first is a move im afraid tomake. 1.) not only will I be saying goodbye to new Mexico, but Ill also be saying goodbye to the fantasy I have played with in my mind for months. The house. The German Shepard puppy. Making dinner, doing our laundry. Our room with our bed. Him coming home to me. The "white picket fence" if you will. As the tears start running, I believe I've found the cause of my ugly butterflies. He won't be taking me with him anymore. 2.) the fear of never holding him in my arms. There won't only be his selflessness. His protecting me from himself. The stubborness. There will be distance. And physical miles. There will be a new schedule. I'm afraid of the unfamiliar when I have to face it alone. It's a fork in my life and I am so afraid of taking the path that leads me away from him. I was so sure that I was on my way to having the life we had planned for. And even now, I cant help but wonder if I should hve waited selfishly for him to be transferred. He'd have to take me then. He had promised afterall. Sigh. I know I did the best thing for him though in the long run.

3 hours after crawling into bed. I've found the source of tonights ugly butterflies. I've processed my reasoning, as insane as it is, for not being able to finalize my move home. While my tears keep flowing, the ugly butterflies are settling down and I'm finding each new breath easier than the last. My heart is slowing to a normal pace and my thoughts aren't in such disarray. My mind is ready to shut down. For tonight.