Friday, July 9, 2010


Falling in love has never been a problem for me. I fall in love easily. Too easily. I see a floppy little puppy, Im in love. I see a beautiful car, Im in love. A boy sends me flowers to my work, a song to my page speaking to my heart. Im in love. No. Falling love is the easy part. Im a deamer. A hopeless romantic who tends to trip and fall down hard, baring my heart and soul for all the "I told you so's" to see. I hear, so often, of these walls that the broken have built. I suppose I cant find the right materials to build my own. There is no moat guarding my heart. I dont have a lock around it, with the key hidden deep within my soul.

This is not to say that I havent tried to keep my heart on a leash. That I havent gone in search of the bricks, hoping to pile them high around the source of my self inflicted wounds. In fact, I just may be slightly a little more than damaged. A little afraid of abandonment. Terrified of rejection. Fear of being alone and never feeling again, the love I have in the past. Just because the walls arent there, doesnt mean that I havent cried myself to sleep, telling myself I wouldnt let it happen again. I have tried not to care. Ive tried to be the "just not ready for a relationship" girl. I have tried to look at a boy as "just a temporary pain killer". A distraction. Ive broken more promises to myself, than any other has. Promises of not becoming attatched. Not loving him more. Not caring more than a broken heart should. These promises are better left unsaid.

I wonder how long it takes a heart to truly heal. On its own. No "painkillers" or distractions. No voiding the loneliness with another boy. This is about the time I start looking for a counselor. Because I start to realize the issues i though I was over, are still there. Theyve been there all along...waiting for me to break my own heart. Crouching beneath all the happy butterflies and smile smiles, like a predator waiting for the right time. And then they strike. Im left alone. With the pain and the thoughts that accompany it. Ive been good this time. Maybe because of hope. Maybe because I still am so in love. Because Im not ready to lose him completely. Truth be told, I cant even hold a conversation with any other guys. I have no interest. I have nothing to say to them. Ive tried. I get a message now and then, and have nothing more than 2 words to say. I blame them. They arent interesting. They are annoying. They just cant get me going. Its not them. Its me. Its him. Its like trying to replace a stadium light with a flashlight. And no, not one of those super fancy ones cops have. Ive had the best. How do you find something to compare?

Some days I am ok. I tell myself I dont care. I tell myself it doesnt hurt, that I always knew it wasnt going to happen and I can almost convince my heart its true. Others, like today, I cant stop crying. I have no appetite. I dont want to do anything. Even if the tears turn off, I am only one song away from a flood. One uncontrolled memory and I can quite literally feel my heart break a little more. I will try to be silent. Try to talk as little as possible... Ill stay away from anyone who has feelings. If I dont, Ill lash out. Ill take out my sadness on the innocent. So I stay home. I dont go to the movies with my family. I stay home, listening to songs that make me lose my breath. Doing all I know I can to release the hurt, to vent my feelings. Hoping that my writing will bring me some comfort. Right now I hurt. Right now I dont want to move. I dont want to eat. I dont want to talk. I dont want to think about missing him. I dont want to worry about moving. I dont want to think about how in a month or so I wont be in the same time zone anymore, how all chance and hope and meant to be will be left behind. Right now, I want to cry until I cant cry anymore. I want to listen to these songs and take comfort in the fact that I am not alone in how I feel. In ahwile, Ill try to find a way to wash away the mascara stains from my pillow, and Ill make my bed. Ill do my laundry and clean my room. Ill try to eat. But for now, I cant pretend Im ok. I wont say I am not hurting. I wont lie about how Im feeling. I wont wipe away the tears or try and hide them. Im going to try and find those building materials for walls. Not to keep anyone else out, but to keep my own heart under control and out of trouble for the future.