Monday, June 28, 2010

Intimate distractions.

"get used to it". The words exchanged last night resound in my head. Maybe my fears have been there all along. Maybe i shouldn't feel surprised or caught off guard. But I was. I had supressed my fears of rejection with you. I had always felt wanted by you. I attempted to explain the reasons the words cut so deep. Sex isn't the basis of our relationship. Just cause it's no doesn't mean he doesn't love me. Except sometimes, it does.

I spent 2 and a half years with a guy who rarely touched me, kissed me and would hardly talk to me. A guy who only when he was out of options, would seek. About, a year and a half ago, I sat in the room shared with my ex, on our bed after being turned down. When I asked why, I listened for what felt like hours as he brought all my flaws to the table, called me names, and explained to me how he was no longer attracted to me. That's all there was to it. I sat in the hallway of my grandmas house the last night we were together, listening to him have a conversation with her telling her all the reasons he wasn't attracted to me. It was the final straw. They all knew he was ab asshole, yet I made thousands of excuses, said plenty of "everythings ok" and paraded around hiding the hurt with a smile. I was too proud to let them know I was that pathetic girl who stayed in an abusive relationship. That I sat at home while he was out with other girls. Knowing I wasn't good enough for more than a backup plan. I had gotten used to the lack of intimacy with him for years already, but always tried to get his attention. Some days, it worked.

For me, no matter what's going on, no matter if he loved me the next morning, or the day before, despite the aching from all his wrong doings in my heart, he loved me in the moment. And for a little while everything was ok. I didn't have to think about anything that wasn't right. I could forget about the other girls, the lies and the drugs. He was with me for the night and for the time it took, I didn't hurt. I didn't feel jealousy or anger. I didn't cry. I was in control.

Now, your not mine anymore. And it hurts. And I feel jealousy when I see the girls flirt with you, when I can't help but think that all they want is to be the next one who has your heart. I can't stop them. I can't stop the girl whose more charming, sweet, a lot more funny, patient or beautiful than me from coming along. I can't stop you from noticing. I can't make you call me every night. I can't be mad or hurt when you don't. I can't cry because I miss you. I broke up with you. I'm not allowed to hurt from these things. I can't say be good. I can't tell you please take me to dinner. I'm getting used to those things. I'm trying to. yes, I dumped you. I ended things. It wasn't that I didn't love you still it wasn't because I don't want the house and honeycomb kids we dreamed about. I still hurt everyday. I miss you. I want to keep the connection as best I can because maybe you'll keep loving me if I do. Maybe if I'm there in the back of yor mind still, I can still hold a part of your hear and maybe our future isn't really gone. It's selfish. I know this. :( for me, we are so connected when your making love to me. Your mine in that moment and I'm making you happy. I'm not hurting. It's us. It's the same us I don't wanna lose. The us that everyday stresses don't come between. The us I hold on to. I'm not jealous or worried because your with me. I'm not going to bed thinking maybe your out and that's why you aren't calling. I'm not thinking about the girl that might catch your eye at the bar. Or the fact that you might be falling out of live with me. I'm thinking about how you love me and how much I love you. About how connected we are. I'm not afraid. I'm not angry at myself. I don't have ugly butterflies. And after, I know your holding me and I know that you love me. I can sleep.