Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Some sort of love letter.

I daydream. A lot. I have spent the last year day dreaming about the day we meet. The day I feel you hold my hand and the day we have our first real kiss. I think about the nights well have together. In my mind, I have seen so many days of our life together and it's everything I want. And you help. You tell me the things I want to hear and my imagination plays with your words. I love all of those dreams.

I've been quiet, reluctant to speak. Afraid of when I do, that my words will hurt you, anger you, or worse, make you think less of yourself. Worried, that they will push you away completely. But, I feel even in silence, it distancing me from you. Not because I want it to. I don't. Lately, I found that the daydreams, uncontrollable as they are, are not giving me the patience they once did. Instead, it overwhelms me with a fear that it is never going to come true. That that's the only memories of you, of us, that I'll ever have to keep.

If I could have one wish, I would wish that you believed in us the way I do. That you would realize that I am not asking you to change who you are. That I take you completely, every side of you, completely. I mean, there is one thing that has to change, not for me or us, but for you. And you know that. You've known that. I would wish you would believe not only in us, but in you. When we met, I was made aware of who you were. You told me who you were. You confessed to me and I accepted who you are. For you, now, to say that you can not be yourself with me, have not been yourself with me in other words is not fair. For you to talk about how there is another person I do not know at all, it angers me. If that's true, it would mean you decieved me this last year. Telling me who you are, what you want and what we would be. Before now, it was more than a maybe. It was a reality and it was a future that you trusted in.

A year later, I'm here. I'm still holding on to the life we are supposed to have. A life I've allowed myself to need. Your reasons, when it's come down to it, have changed. They've stayed the same, in a sense, but in another they aren't. And because of that, because the basis of your reasoning has changed, I feel it's not fair. I feel like I have had no say in it and now, after a year of believing that it was a cause we could overcome, it's something you suddenly say is completely different. And now, you could. But you don't know if you want to.

I don't like telling you how I feel. I know it hurts you to know I'm hurting. It hurts me to know you are. I would do anything to keep you from any pain. My intentions are not at all to make you feel or believe I'm not happy with you. I'm only venting and I wish I could have spent your birthday with you :( I love u.