Monday, June 7, 2010

Patience, selfishness and a mind that won't shut up.

I have to write. I feel like I've had writers block for so long now, that my one post today has made me suddenly aware of everything inside my head that I need to write about. I'm doing this from my phone, so please forgive any typos. Even now, I want to write and I feel like I have to...but my thoughts in my head just feel so scattered right now. I said goodnight about an hour ago, yet here I am begging and pleading that my mind shut up and let me sleep away everything it's screaming at me. Instead, it offers me a headache and frustration. I wonder If I'm the only one who argues internally with my own thoughts sometimes. Sigh. I am fighting frustration, guilt, impatience, annoyance, and more guilt on top of that, oh and then some indecision. It's a classic recipe for insomnia. I can't decide what it is I'm really feeling in some matters of my heart.
For one, I'm homesick. Or am I just tired of New Mexico? Am I just wanting to run like I have in the past, looking at things sideways and seeing more somewhere else? Or is it really that I miss Washington? I honestly don't know. I felt this way in Washington too. Alone. But here I am feeling that way now in New Mexico and thinking of how not alone I would be in Washington. But I don't see that really much has changed there either... Except my relationship with my parents has gotten better. Should I go? (indecision) My friend keeps begging me too and my parents throw hints. I miss them. I miss my church. I miss my cat. I miss the water. Somedays, I even miss the rain now. And now, my grandma wants to retire. And I mean now. I feel awful (guilt) for being so upset about it. I mean she deserves to retire of she wants to! It's not even at all my decision!! And I love her, but Lord knows well strangle each other if she is home all the time with me (frustration). Which isn't her problem. It's her house, I'm just living here rent free. But I can't afford to be on my own out here anymore. And don't want to get stuck in a situation like the one I'm still $5000 dollars in debt for. Ugh. So the way it sounds, why not leave right?!
I'm scared. I'm scared 1.) that I go and I feel the same there (stuck or alone) again. 2.) I've been waiting a year for my perfect forever to start and I am afraid that I lose that when I go. I'm afraid I go, and then he's ready for forever but I'm too far away. I've done the long distance thing and I know how it goes. I can't even stand going on vacation for 2 weeks in a different time zone much less living in one.
I generally like to believe I'm a pretty patient person. Lately, my patience is wearing thin. I am ready to be in his arms and to start what I have imagined. And it's nights like tonight that it's at it's thinnest, when I just neeeeed to get away and be with the thing or person who makes me happiest, but I can't. I then feel selfish and bad for being upset (guilt). And lately, I feel like I don't know of there is even a plan anymore for the future. If I'm holding on and afraid to let go even though, later on I will have to anyways.
I have a difficult time controlling my emotions. It's like a storm. Once I start to feel one bad feeling, they all start. Frustration, sad, angry, hurt. Blah. I start questioning things that I normally wouldn't and thinking things I know aren't true. Is that normal? I assume so. I dunno. I know it's all the anxiety just getting to me and I know that tomorrow, I'll wake up and I'll feel better again. Some people call it bipolar. Lol! I am feeling better already after venting. Phew!! And wait wait... A yawn. My mind is finally settling down and ready for bed...2 hours late. Lol