Wednesday, June 16, 2010

A heart on the loose.

11pm. And this night I can see is not going the way I hoped or expected. Saying goodbye doesn't mean losing faith, or giving up hope. Goodbye. I said it, yet somehow hope was left behind. At one point hope was a friend. She always brought with her dreams of tomorrows, honeycomb smiles, and happy butterflies. These days, I'm slightly conflicted. Some days she's the same hope I knew and others, like tonight she accompanies anger, frustration, hurt, jealousy and ugly butterflies, leaving me dissatisfied with the company.

It's funny. I never was jealous much before, when he was mine. Even when jealousy would set in, I felt it unnecessary to bring it to his attention. I knew he was mine. And yes, there were a few occasions. They usually blew over. Now, I am jealous of so much. Maybe I see more now, because I was blinded by security before. Maybe, my jealosy is fueled by fear. A fear that nothing is holding him back anymore. That I'm going to watch some lucky girl charm her way into his life, or vice versa. A fear that he will move on with no troubles and 10 years from now, hope, along with her bitter friends, will still be coming around. So you ask what's wrong. As if I have any right to answer. Have any right to cry or yell or say "I'm jealous. I'm afraid". As if any of it would make a difference. So instead I am here. Blogging. Crying.

I'm trying to stay on track. When I blog with this much on mind, I tend to ramble off and my pen or "thumbs" in this case will take over. I am trying to keep this as a blog, not a letter. Even though I know who reads this. The only person who truly follows this is the person my words can hurt the most. The person I do not want to walk away. At the same time, I am trying to train myself to just be open. Be myself. Say what I need to and learn to not be afraid of hurting anyones feelings. Trying to avoid a breakdown.

A promise to try. To try and get better. A promise I let heart grab run wild with. A promise that brought back the hope whose bags were packed. And now I lay in bed alone, while he goes out to drink for the 3rd time this week. Im learning that I need to put my heart on a leash. I'm angry. I Suppose it truly is my own fault. We really do cause our own heartaches. Thinking about it now, i realize I expected a different outcome. Maybe I was pushing. Maybe I hoped my goodbye would bring him urgency, instead its freedom. The freedom to do what he wants. To be the "real" him that he kept hidden from me in fear of upsetting me. And me? I hurt with unethical right. I have no rights here. But how can I turn my eyes and look the other way when I truly care about him. My hopes, goals and dreams? They are his too. Or at leadt I believed they were. Now, I'm questioning if I'm being selfinsh. If somehow, without meaning to, I have forced him into another promise he doesn't want.

Saying goodbye doesn't mean that all you wanted and prayed go along. You don't realize what exactly your saying goodbye to until after it's done. I'm not saying I made the wrong choice. I know it's the right one. I just didn't realize that The rest of the feelings would stay behind. That I would be hurt when I didn't get a call at night like I used to. That I would be angry for feeling entitled and knowing that I'm not. That I would feel the need to say "be good" addressing the flirty remarks from and to girls. to bitter at the knowledge that it isn't my place anymore and they all know that. I was unaware of the fear that would imbed itself into my life at the chance of losing him forever.

Patience was easy to say goodbye to. And honestly, it didn't hurt the way I expected. But hope, hope is different. It's harder. It's a love hate relationship. I want so badly to keep the idea of our future together. But I do not want the hurt when I realize that he isn't serious. Or the fear that while I'm not his, someone else could be.

I'm at a loss for how to put this better. Unsure if I should publish it even, at the idea of him saying goodbye to me altogether. Sigh. I am confused. I don't even fucking know what I want at all. Blogging didn't even help tonight.

I want to tell hope to go away. And take all the other feelings with her.