Tuesday, June 8, 2010


I posted this recently to my fb, but am posting it here since it's more of a blog. Lol.

So. I don't really know where to start. It's been awhile since I wrote. Andddd I can't find my journal and my myspace won't let me post one and my blogger profile isn't set up. So i'm left with facebook. So far I suppose I realized that no matter how much I love someone, you can't make them love you back. No matter how much time or effort you put into a friendship, some people will just walk away and there isn't always an explanation. I've realized that love, even if it's mutual isn't always enough. I've learned I trust too quickly, fall too easy and put way too much faith in people. Some people have said they admire that in me, that I always see the good in people. That I can so easily let my guard down and allow people in my life. It's not always such a good thing though.

I feel like, looking back at the things I've done, people I've met and choices I've made, I haven't always done them for the right reasons. I run. I run whenever there is an issue. And when I can't run, I find a distraction. Anything to keep from feeling alone. Guys, alcohol, texting, friends, sex, ibuprofen, work. I've used them all. I've done things that aren't things 10 years ago, I'd ever thought I would do. I'm one if those people who always thinks it would be better somewhere else and when I'm there and that little black cloud catches up, I'm looking for a new place to hide. Im tired if doing that. That's how things go wrong. I start feeling it getting closer sometimes and so I get angry. I get mean, cold, quiet. I look for ANY distraction. Even if it's not a "good" one. And more often then not, it isn't. I get bitchy and I don't want to admit what it really is because then it would just be too hard to run from it again, so instead i find something else that I can blame my anger on. That pushes people away. I see that now that maybe I've been blaming all the wrong people in my life. Maybe I haven't taken as much respplonsibilty as I should. Maybe I need to stop running and just deal with what really bothers me instead of hiding behind trivial matters. Maybe then I'll be able to hold on to the things that really matter to me.